The Sacred Pat Nixon Camellia

Back in the ‘70s, while Dick Nixon was swimming in Watergate, California Governor Ronald Reagan invited the president and his wife to Sacramento for the annual Camellia Festival. It might not seem like a big deal to you, but when you’re drowning in the middle of a lake of shit, an invitation to be the star of a greased-pig-wrestling contest looks good.

Pat Nixon dedicated the festival at the Municipal Auditorium and the celebration then moved on to Capitol Park. There, scored with typical Reaganesque fanfare, the crowd watched breathlessly as the Pat Nixon Camellia was planted. There was a parade. The sun went down.

Meanwhile, a friend of mine, Barefoot Larry, tiptoed around the trees and bushes of Capitol Park right up to that Pat Nixon Camellia. And he dug it up, stuffed the roots in a burlap bag he had thoughtfully brought with him and took it home. I suppose you could say it was an act of urban guerilla warfare.

The next day a gardener found the hole which had embraced the roots of the sacred Pat Nixon Camellia. I imagine screams issuing from the State Capitol. Quickly, silently, before anyone else could notice, a new Pat Nixon Camellia was planted in the same hole. Later that day Ronald Reagan is rumored to have hand-picked a squad of state capitol police to guard the new Pat Nixon Camellia around the clock.